Sunday, April 23, 2006

Mixed Emotions...

I woke up in soooo much pain today, especially my ankles & knees.
I laid in bed & just nudged Ed, asking hi, to help with baths, for 20min until he got up & bathed 3 of the boys, so all I had to do was get their clothes out and dress them…(He was out until 3am last night again & I stayed up waiting for him while dealing with 2 cranky babies…) To make matters worse, I’m sun burnt from the games yesterday.

Then, we went to church. Ed had to work so he left after Sunday school. I got home to get a phone call that one of my friends died. She left behind a 14yr old daughter who just had a baby in feb.

They told me how she always thought so highly of me, etc. NOW, I feel absolutely horrible b/c I hadn’t actually went to see her in months & was supposed to head a church visitation to her home, but procrastinated for months- I guess figuring I had plenty of time… I was wrong.

To make matters worse, I think there was foul play involved, but her husband had her cremated b/f an autopsy could be done. Her body was found in her daughter's bed the next morning.

So, I got a call that services will be on this Tuesday, so I called Ed. AND without giving any thought to it at all he said he was not going to change his schedule because he wants to be able to go work on our rental house because, after all, it will be his last chance to get over there before it’s rented in May. Yeah, he has had since OCTOBER to get it done, but put it off and put it off, had plenty of time to go play with his friends at least weekly, but no time to do any actual WORK; fulfill any of his non- Lowes responsibilities.

Finally, he decided to take a sick day Tuesday.

Then, he comes home and I said something about really hurting today, and like usual, before I even finished, was cut off with how much worse off he is- how his knees and back hurts worse from moving refrigerators all day long. I HATE that. He is the MOST selfish guy ever… I mean, how is it possible to take EVERYTHING I say and turn it into something that makes him look sooooo much worse off? For petes sake, MY INSIDES are literally ROTTING OUT OF MY BODY, but of course, althought nothing’s wrong with him, he’s sooo much worse. I am WELL BEYOND SICK OF THAT.

Oh yeah, & when we were at church, I said something about how I thought my dress wasn’t fitting me right, and his reply was- yeah, I looked really fat. WHY am I stuck putting up with this?????

AND YET- HE THEN ACTS CONFUSED WHEN HE THEN AFTER ALL THIS WANTS SEX & I GET UP & WALK AWAY….??!!

He just acted pitiful, and said he’s going to go take a walk….

You know, I came home Friday, after being gone 3x what it should have taken me for an appt, and carrying a rose someone gave me, & he didn’t even ask any questions…


You know what else kills me??? He mentioned in church that he had said something to some people at work that he goes to church and they acted shocked and how it was a wake up call for him. HA. When's he going to WAKE UP AND SEE what HIS owns boys see of him??!! Let's see, he has missed EVERY ONE of thier games thus far, and decided last night it more important to go play with his friends than to spend time with them. He asked ME how their games went...meanwhile they were right outside playing, but he couldnt ask them? They have NEVER witnessed him open a Bible or pray-other than his rushed prayer b/f meals, if he bothers to take the time to pray at all. FOR THAT MATTER- neither have I! (Other than when he bows his head like he's praying in church, but he's actually sleeping...) IN CHURCH, he doesnt interact at all, just sits in the pew with his arms crossed like he couldnt be anymore bored. He will NOT go to any service other than sunday morning. Oh, and if I bring up the idea of him maybe going with us on a family outing, he gets all pouty and grumpy, like it's soooo much of a chore to stay home for once and spend time with his family... I could go on forever...

WHAT'S HE GONNA DO WHEN I AM GONE??!! HOW'S HE GOING TO FEEL THEN??!! I would like to at least be able to give him a passing grade as a husband/father, but it's really hard when he wants to pout if he has to even change a diaper or something...

I guess he figures he can treat me like carp all he wants since my health is failing now? And if one more person tells me one more time how it's because he has a lot to deal with, I might just snap. AND I DONT??!! Atleast he gets to go out and go spend $$ on what ever he wants while I am stuck here to clean up. Am I his wife or Cinderella?

What the HELL happened to equal partnership? Heck, 75/25 would be great...

He's got me. He knows I am stuck. He knows I can't do anything about anything he does because I am stuck here with 4 kids and health issues. Who else would want me? And he never has to wonder where I am, I'm am stuck at home with the kids. Sure, guys flirt at the Y, etc, but 1 mention that I have 4 kids and health problems and they'd run.

What happened? How'd I get here? Where'd I go wrong? Don't I at least deserve a husband who is at least a little bit interested on me? Would it hurt him to even pretend to find me at least a little attractive? You know, he was all involved when we first got married and all his friends where he worked then thought I was hot. He'd turn around, and they'd be trying to pick up on me. But, then I had his babies and took on the whole "barefoot pregnant house wife" roll.

PART of My schedule for the week:
MON: Y, Budgeting, balance ck book, fill out medical documents, all the household stuff as usual, schedule Andrew's therapy appts, call my doc & get letter for Y, call St. Ralph to see about appt, etc
TUES:
9am-funeral
12pm-3pm-Thomas's Therapy
5pm- Michael's therapy
6pm-Michael's Game
6:30pm-Christopher's Practice
WED:
9am-Y
12pm-3pm-Take Thomas to his special needs PG
6pm-8:30pm-church
THURS:
1pm-3pm-meeting at JCC
drop off some checks, go to the bank
FRI:
9am-Y
I have to try and schedule some appts for this day still.
3pm-9pm-family outing with all 4 boys...by myself as usual.
SAT:
9am-Michael- Game
4pm-Christopher-Game
SUN:
9am-12pm-church
6pm-7pm-church

WOW, I actually have a pretty slow week, this isn't even 1/2 of what I usually have- I must be forgeting something...lol.

Oh yeah, and Ed's been gone for well over an hour on his "walk"...my guess would be he went to pout to his mom around the block...sounds alittle more realistic for him...

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