Sunday, April 23, 2006

Mixed Emotions...

I woke up in soooo much pain today, especially my ankles & knees.
I laid in bed & just nudged Ed, asking hi, to help with baths, for 20min until he got up & bathed 3 of the boys, so all I had to do was get their clothes out and dress them…(He was out until 3am last night again & I stayed up waiting for him while dealing with 2 cranky babies…) To make matters worse, I’m sun burnt from the games yesterday.

Then, we went to church. Ed had to work so he left after Sunday school. I got home to get a phone call that one of my friends died. She left behind a 14yr old daughter who just had a baby in feb.

They told me how she always thought so highly of me, etc. NOW, I feel absolutely horrible b/c I hadn’t actually went to see her in months & was supposed to head a church visitation to her home, but procrastinated for months- I guess figuring I had plenty of time… I was wrong.

To make matters worse, I think there was foul play involved, but her husband had her cremated b/f an autopsy could be done. Her body was found in her daughter's bed the next morning.

So, I got a call that services will be on this Tuesday, so I called Ed. AND without giving any thought to it at all he said he was not going to change his schedule because he wants to be able to go work on our rental house because, after all, it will be his last chance to get over there before it’s rented in May. Yeah, he has had since OCTOBER to get it done, but put it off and put it off, had plenty of time to go play with his friends at least weekly, but no time to do any actual WORK; fulfill any of his non- Lowes responsibilities.

Finally, he decided to take a sick day Tuesday.

Then, he comes home and I said something about really hurting today, and like usual, before I even finished, was cut off with how much worse off he is- how his knees and back hurts worse from moving refrigerators all day long. I HATE that. He is the MOST selfish guy ever… I mean, how is it possible to take EVERYTHING I say and turn it into something that makes him look sooooo much worse off? For petes sake, MY INSIDES are literally ROTTING OUT OF MY BODY, but of course, althought nothing’s wrong with him, he’s sooo much worse. I am WELL BEYOND SICK OF THAT.

Oh yeah, & when we were at church, I said something about how I thought my dress wasn’t fitting me right, and his reply was- yeah, I looked really fat. WHY am I stuck putting up with this?????

AND YET- HE THEN ACTS CONFUSED WHEN HE THEN AFTER ALL THIS WANTS SEX & I GET UP & WALK AWAY….??!!

He just acted pitiful, and said he’s going to go take a walk….

You know, I came home Friday, after being gone 3x what it should have taken me for an appt, and carrying a rose someone gave me, & he didn’t even ask any questions…


You know what else kills me??? He mentioned in church that he had said something to some people at work that he goes to church and they acted shocked and how it was a wake up call for him. HA. When's he going to WAKE UP AND SEE what HIS owns boys see of him??!! Let's see, he has missed EVERY ONE of thier games thus far, and decided last night it more important to go play with his friends than to spend time with them. He asked ME how their games went...meanwhile they were right outside playing, but he couldnt ask them? They have NEVER witnessed him open a Bible or pray-other than his rushed prayer b/f meals, if he bothers to take the time to pray at all. FOR THAT MATTER- neither have I! (Other than when he bows his head like he's praying in church, but he's actually sleeping...) IN CHURCH, he doesnt interact at all, just sits in the pew with his arms crossed like he couldnt be anymore bored. He will NOT go to any service other than sunday morning. Oh, and if I bring up the idea of him maybe going with us on a family outing, he gets all pouty and grumpy, like it's soooo much of a chore to stay home for once and spend time with his family... I could go on forever...

WHAT'S HE GONNA DO WHEN I AM GONE??!! HOW'S HE GOING TO FEEL THEN??!! I would like to at least be able to give him a passing grade as a husband/father, but it's really hard when he wants to pout if he has to even change a diaper or something...

I guess he figures he can treat me like carp all he wants since my health is failing now? And if one more person tells me one more time how it's because he has a lot to deal with, I might just snap. AND I DONT??!! Atleast he gets to go out and go spend $$ on what ever he wants while I am stuck here to clean up. Am I his wife or Cinderella?

What the HELL happened to equal partnership? Heck, 75/25 would be great...

He's got me. He knows I am stuck. He knows I can't do anything about anything he does because I am stuck here with 4 kids and health issues. Who else would want me? And he never has to wonder where I am, I'm am stuck at home with the kids. Sure, guys flirt at the Y, etc, but 1 mention that I have 4 kids and health problems and they'd run.

What happened? How'd I get here? Where'd I go wrong? Don't I at least deserve a husband who is at least a little bit interested on me? Would it hurt him to even pretend to find me at least a little attractive? You know, he was all involved when we first got married and all his friends where he worked then thought I was hot. He'd turn around, and they'd be trying to pick up on me. But, then I had his babies and took on the whole "barefoot pregnant house wife" roll.

PART of My schedule for the week:
MON: Y, Budgeting, balance ck book, fill out medical documents, all the household stuff as usual, schedule Andrew's therapy appts, call my doc & get letter for Y, call St. Ralph to see about appt, etc
TUES:
9am-funeral
12pm-3pm-Thomas's Therapy
5pm- Michael's therapy
6pm-Michael's Game
6:30pm-Christopher's Practice
WED:
9am-Y
12pm-3pm-Take Thomas to his special needs PG
6pm-8:30pm-church
THURS:
1pm-3pm-meeting at JCC
drop off some checks, go to the bank
FRI:
9am-Y
I have to try and schedule some appts for this day still.
3pm-9pm-family outing with all 4 boys...by myself as usual.
SAT:
9am-Michael- Game
4pm-Christopher-Game
SUN:
9am-12pm-church
6pm-7pm-church

WOW, I actually have a pretty slow week, this isn't even 1/2 of what I usually have- I must be forgeting something...lol.

Oh yeah, and Ed's been gone for well over an hour on his "walk"...my guess would be he went to pout to his mom around the block...sounds alittle more realistic for him...

Saturday, April 22, 2006

MY BOYS

Andrew: (BD:01/2006)3mths on 4/20 ~ high mantenience baby~ has restriction in his muscles that doc says is a birth defect from lack of oxygen/blood flood during my pregnancy... We will not know until he is older how this will ultimately affect him.

Thomas: 2yrs (BD:02/2004) ~ Speech Delay~ Music Lover~ loves Baseball~he's been the passive one until recently when someone leaked that he was **2**...and when I find out who that was....URRRRR...;)

Christopher: 5yrs (BD:01/2006) ~Our honeymoon baby~ (& we've gotten pregnant every year on our anniversary since, except this last one b/c I can no longer have children due to my health issues)~ has Sensory Intergration Disfunction~ in his 2nd year at a special needs preschool & doing great~ nature lover~ plays T Ball...well...actually he just plays in the dirt... ;) Boy, thats some expensive dirt... I feel like a Master Card commercial....you know..."bat...$50...uniform....$75...balls, gloves, tee...$100...Watching your kid play in the dirt....PRICELESS. (I think he wants to play b/c big brother plays ball)

MICHAEL: (BD:07/1995) 10 1/2yrs ~our sports jock~ in Gifted Ed at school (too smart for his good if you ask me ;) ) ~he's been diagnosed & rediagnosed with everything under the sun, the latest is PTSD and Depression, but who knows~ Michael is our SPORTS JOCK~ Its a shame Daddy cant make it to more of his practices/games this year....(he actually coached last year) ~wants to be a MLB Player when he grows up, then retire and use his eanrings as a missionary~ In case you are wondering the age difference, etc...Michael was concieved via rape just after my 14th birthday...~

(We have also lost 3 BOYS in late pregnancy.)

Ok, I think I may got this now...

My Husband, Ed:
Ed, well, he's 24. I get frustrated b/c somwhere along the line HE gets to act 24, and even thought Im 25, I expected to act 40... It's not fair. While he gets to go out with his friends EVERY weekend, I am stuck in the house with the kids. When he is home, we split up the kids and he take 1 or 2 and I take the rest. In other words, I ALWAYS ahve at least one WHEREEVER I go. I have been thinking about this more this week....

It's like...HEY WAIT a minute! It sounded fair....he gets 2 I get 2, BUT he also gets TONS of time with 0, but I NEVER NEVER NEVER do....WHATS up with that?

And he'll say things like, "you can go out, I'll watch the kids" BUT then he has EVERY SINGLE weekend blocked off to go out with his friends, and I have doc appts and the kids therapy appts throughout the week.

I am constantly on the go, having to take the kids to doc appts, baseball practices, my own doc appts and tests, etc. AND I am honestly in ALOT OF PAIN... like right now, I could scream with how much pain I am having in my legs from having to take ALL the kids to Christopher & Michael's Little League Opening Day today... not to mention we all got sunburned b/c I am too overwhelmed to even remember sun block.
And Ed got home around 5:30pm-ish and decided he was going to go out to play poker with his friends, again. He did cook dinner...while I was stuck cutting the grass while in throbbing pain. I asked him where he was going to play at and he just said "I dont know"...and watch, I bet he's out until like 4am again...
Here it is 11:12pm, and I STILL have loads of laundry to do, a check book to balance, a baby to wake, breastfeed and change, a toddler to carry back into his bed, 2 others to cover up, 5 outfits to get out and ready for church, a bunch of diapers to wash, a kitchen to clean up, etc, etc. And I am in soooooo much pain I could cry. I DO NOT want to know what it will feel like tomorrow...
DID I MENTION, I somehow was put in charge of everything that has to do with house or kids, etc. INCLUDING but NOT limited to:
ALL bills/budgeting/finances of any sort
ALL cleaning, housework, etc
ALL laundry
ALL doc and therapy appts for all 4 boys and myself
ALL cooking/feeding
ALL diapering
ALL home matience
ALL yard work
ALL home repair
ALL the grocery shopping
Am I a wife/mother....or a MAID/NANNY?
By the way, I get not a penny for any of it, but my even my husband gets an allowance, etc.
AND any $$ I make like on Ebay or anything goes to pay bills- I dont get to keep any of it, even though I put in all the work on it...
Is this normal? When I do actually get to get out of the house and speak to anyone over the age of 10, I am like a puppy that just been let out after a long day of being caged... people probably think Im nuts...

You know, he DID NOT even ask me if I wanted to do something tonight, or anything.... didnt even ask how I was doing? He did ask how the boys' game went, but shouldnt he have been asking THEM that?

AND if I mention ANYTHING about being in pain, etc, he ALWAYS REPLIES with some remark like "Oh, really? Well, my _____hurts worse..." OH- Im sorry....poor poor baby with NO medical problems or anything, you're right, of course you would be in sooooo much more pain than me, the one who is DIEING, the one who's body is literally rotting from the inside out and there is NO cure and NOTHING the docs can do to slow it down! There are days where I cant even get my fingers to work enough to button the boys clothing and I have to ask my 10 1/2yr old for help, days whereI am afraid to pick up my won baby for fear my arms will give out. AND to make matters worse, Michael decided to go to church and tell his class/teachers how MUCH HE has to do at home, how HE has to do EVERYTHING, etc...YEAH RIGHT! They actually pulled me aside and told me that I am being too hard on Michael and thats he's doing too much... thou who I cant even get to take out the garbage once a day....hahaha.

Anyway, I am couped up in the house, caged if you will, yet again and I ahve not been out to do anything for myself, by myself in soooooooo long I cant even remember when.
OH, but Ed counts me going to the grocery store as my time out, even though 99% of the time I take 1/2 the kids with me too.
OH, and he counts any $$ spent of clothes, etc for the kids as my $$/allowance too...so if I spend $$ buying diapers via Ebay, well, that was my spending $$...if I stop at yard sale and get clothes for the kids, that was my $$... you know I have not bought an outfit for my self in WELL over a year? AND I never get anything new...
But Ed has $$ for poker....Ed has $$ for new video games/DVDs etc
I dont even have 1 pair of pants that fit me!

I am 3mths postpartum after an emergency C section too mind you and I am doing ALL this crap by myself... just adds to the pain.

I will be adding my typical schedule on here soon too.---PROOF to the world of How much I have to do by myself, yet the coach wants to bench my kid b/c he missed 1 out of like 8 practices b/c I couldnt get him there...SORRY COACH, I was too busy at the hospital getting tourturist testing done just so the docs can find something else seriously wrong with me that they cant fix... yeah, take it out on my kid...

My First Posting...

My Name: Christine
Age: 25
Married 6+years
Husband Ed, 24yrs
Kids: 4 BOYS

I have LUPUS, a blood disorder, etc. And my 4 boys all have some sort of special needs. Ive been kind of "blogging" on my "about me" page at Ebay.com for awhile, leaving updates on my health etc for those Ive met via Ebay, but it's taking up too muc space, so Im starting this...

If you want, feel free to go ck out my About Me page on Ebay.com...Im not sure how to link it onto here yet, Ill try that on a later date.

BUT, for those previledged enough to have access to this, you will most probably already know quite a bit about us so I will start with today...

SAT: 4/22/06:
UPDATE:
ANDREW:
He has been diagnosed with a birth defect from the pregnancy complications...YEP that's now 4 kids with special needs... It doesnt seem to be causing any problems with his developement at this time. But he has muscle restriction throughout his body and will be starting OT/PT appts very soon. He is already rolling over and sitting with support, which is really advanced and also "talks" up a storm and can already repeat sounds you make. The goal is to just keep him advancing and not let the muscle stuff get in the way-which will probably affect crawling/walking/etc. Ive also noticed he points his toes straight down and curves his feet in if you stand him up- Im going to bring that to their attention- didnt notice it when he was in sleepers etc all the time when it was cold...(although they did notice that he didnt have the newborn stepping reflex)

THOMAS: Well....when I find out who slipped and informed Thomas that he is *2*, they're going to be in BIG trouble... ;) Every time someone, anyone, puts him down, he goes RUNNING-which could be very dangerous- he ran out in the street 3 times on my husband on Easter. (Of course he is a MALE & was holding the baby in one hand and never thought to put the baby carrier down to get Christopher b/f he hit the street...you shouldve seen it...running with the baby carrier tucked up under one arm, he didnt think to put the handle up, and tryng to chase Thomas and then when he got to him, trying to figure out how to carry both back to the house...sigh...) I wouldve helped if we lived on a busier street of course, but I wanted to see how Ed fared when Im not there to help...

CHRISTOPHER: He started his 2nd year of T-Ball, today was his and Michael's Opening Day. He's beenm behaving alittle better, finally hitting a more mature status now I think. We can now trust him to go out and play while we watch out open doors and windows and know that he will stay where he's told. Also, I can let him wander a little from me at the BB field and trust that he's not going to just RUN like Thomas will.

MICHAEL: Doing very well in baseball. Today he almost had a homerun- it hit the far fence and bounced back in for a double instead. He was bummed b/c although he got 2 runners to home, he got taggedout at home himself by a VERY close call by the umpire. (One of those where you had to wait for the dust to die down to find out exactly what just happened, & just trust that that ump saw it right...)

ED: .........hmmm......I could sware he does things purposefully wrong... like he came home from work after missing all of opening day with the kids, and he wanted to go out with his friends tonight, and decided he would "help" get the kids ready for bed... He grabbed Thomas, filthy from being at BB all day mind you, and changed his pull up, put 1/2 his PJs set on and BACKWARDS at that and put him to bed...dirty. And then left....sigh. What was the point in that????!!!! To make himself FEEL better, like hes helping me out or somthing??!!! Meanwhile I had to get up early, clean the house, do 4 loads of laundry, feed the kids, go take them to BB all day, come home, feed the kids, clean up after the kids, cut the grass in the front & back yard, get the boys ready for bed and in bed, etc. & here it is 10pm and I still have a TON to do....and watch, Ed will be out until like 4am, again, come home, and I will have to fight to get him up just as much as the boys in the morning for church and start all over again. AND did I mention I was at the Hospital getting test down yesterday all night and then had to be up with the baby????

ANYWAY.....
I have to go get some more laundry done. I need to get a load of towels done and I think I need to do a load of diapers again too and Christopher "soiled himself" today on the way home from the field so I still need to go scrub out his underwear and BB pants & wash those too...